Guanaria symptoms in women

Just like withdrawal symptoms we have for drugs. I am getting them for dating apps. I am 25 days sober. Around a month ago, I started 75 hard challenge - which includes couple of things, mainly working out twice, one outside, one inside - gym.
So I joined gym too. It did help, but apparently my depression isn't going away. It feels like I'm heartbroken and in need of peace. I check my phone crazy number of times for text.
I randomly get the energy and will to talk to girls and dm them, or talk to them from groups or something, none of these people I know personally but I just feel nothing after a certain point.
At this point I'm just rambling but hear me out cause I do need advice. I want my life back on track.
So i graduated in 2022, and have been using dating apps since 6 years but idk what to do anymore.
I am just super tired of trying to get anything out of it. I tried getting casual relationships, but I couldn't cause it's not okay for guys to say it out directly. I even tried just getting to know other person and wishing they would do casual relationship talking to matches and trying to go with one single person and going for relationship with that one single person. But after 1 or 2 meets, I just lose interest, I am just not interested, or I start looking at other options.
At this point I am going for mba, leaving Delhi, and I feel so shameful to say I never have had s*x at the age of 23 despite living in Delhi lol. Everyone I talk to is shocked when I mention I have never even had a relationship. It sucks.
So since I'm leaving Delhi, not that I'm entitled, I feel like I should do something. I go on to text my previous matches who are either in relationship or are not replying.
I feel desperate, but idk what to do. I am just trying to be mentally sane. So in order to have s*x, we need to be presentable. I am a v simple person tho, I wear cloth shoes, really old, have only one pair of pants, and a couple nice shirts but not really cool ones like baggy or anything. Basically I don't have any fashion sense.
But also I don't have any money either cause I hate asking my parents for money, and yes no job either. 2 years gap after graduation as well, which makes me feel more depressed as I see 18 yo doing jobs lol. Here I am fresher even at 23.
Anyways I am damn sure of getting matched on Hinge, even if I donwload today. I have got the set pics that I am gonna use, and get that match. I am nerdy, less prompt at least rn, I zone out too, so yeah def nerdy stuff. But I can groom a bit and go on date.
The problem though is that will break my streak of no dating app use. And I don't even have a lot of money, now I know it doesn't need a lot of money if you have skills. But I am simply tired. I don't know what I am doing. I am getting more into my head. I hate seeing couples out there, it reminds of my failure to have a relationship.
I feel like at 23, most at least have hooked up, at least in Delhi. If not that, at least relationship. If single, at least they have had relationship for once. I am so into my head, I haven't had anything real. For the one last time I don't know what to do and I feel really depressed about it. I do have depression and seeking therapy but idk, I'm tired. After a certain point of talking, I realise I am better off without the person I'm talking to. It all feels so fake.
I zone out so bad, the more I get close to someone the more I zone out and push them away.
TLDR : op has depression, started working on it, has been working out too, but things are not falling into place and op feels desperate and sad all the time.
Op wants to have a relationship or casual relationship, but op is getting nothing out of dating apps, don't have friends who can set him up, and feels borderline suicidal bec of it.
Op also feels angry towards people based on their actions, eg - sensing cheating, behaviour that is inhumane, or irresponsible. So irritatable.
Op has gone out with several women in college time tho, and recently been on two dates. One of them said she don't wanna go again. Another one didn't reply, and expecting a reply I didn't reply either, cause WTF. Whenever I stop replying they stop replying too, is it a sign of how bad things are with me? Am I that bad?
TLDR's TLDR : op is depressed, can't get relationship/casual relationship, working out is not helping. No friends, no hobby, and don't have the will to live. And is def getting desperate bec of not getting into any relationship and constantly comparing with others.
Sorry for the long ass post for something that could have been said in a line. I feel like I am gonna get a lot of backlash on this post. SO, should I download Hinge again?

My mom had panic attacks where she’d panic leaving the house, but she could breathe into a brown plastic bag and take a shot of vodka and seem to be okay after. She was a strong women though..
I’ve had anxiety since kindergarten (27F). My symptoms fell a bit different than my mothers, so I’m not exactly sure if it’s panic or anxiety attacks.
My issues mainly stim from irrational fears.. like dying or hallucinating from lack of sleep which usually causes me to not sleep.. counterintuitive lol. (This has gotten better with work life balance) In high school, I was obsessed with the world ending. Horrible fear that consumed me.. even airplanes flying above the house would freak me out.
I’m scared to do any recreational drugs or alcohol because I have a fear of not being in a normal state of consciousness. I will panic after I smoke 💨 or drink 🍹. (This was more of a teenage issue with fitting in when I was younger)
I will not ride with anyone. I have to drive separate incase I need to “escape” due to panic. I don’t like feeling trapped (doctors office small rooms, drive through with it blocked so you can’t pull out, having a panic attack infront of someone (this was hard when I was dating, or with friends)
Last but not least, my agoraphobia!! I have an intense fear of having a panic attack after leaving my “safe spot” aka my home. I usually suffer bad from anxiety( obsessive thoughts, I’m tense, heart and mind race, sometimes I get really hot, shaky, and sweaty ) but I fight to keep it under bay and fight through without having what I call a panic attack. This is usually worse if I have someone riding with me such as my baby or fiancé. I usually do better by myself.
So if I can’t keep my “anxiety” to a minimal with breathing and distraction, I will go into what I think is a panic attack. Mind you, these things only happen when I leave my “safe spot” which is my house.
I will get a fight or flight response. I lose control of the breathing exercises, I freeze up. I hyperventilate silently, every muscle tenses, my heart pounds, I can’t speak, I get super hot, I shake, and i just completely freak out silently and sometimes pass out. I don’t have control anymore and I will usually go hide in a bathroom if I’m out in public and try to breathe through it. (I’m constantly noting where bathrooms are in public or when I’m on the highway incase it’s my only “escape”) I get absolutely irrational and just want to escape and be home. Once I have a panic attack, I usually go down a spiral of them for months when usually I can keep it to a minimal with my coping mechanisms. This is why I don’t like going far from home.
so it’s not the traditional panic attacks like my mom would have, you know with her obvious physical symptoms, so I’m not sure what to actually call any of it. quiet panic or anxiety? Idk.
Wondering if anyone relates?
I’m on 200mg of Zoloft but I haven’t found anything that really helps.

Greetings! I'd like to reach out to the wider world and extract some insight from other folks with my tendencies. Maybe some of y'all here have professional psychology backgrounds or general knowledge about my particular symptoms.
I'm gonna get straight to the point: I don't enjoy social interactions at all, with the exception of a few very particular circumstances. I don't have any drive or desire to be around people. Simple as.
I live alone. I work remotely in a small town. I don't have friends or pets. I'm single (M27). I even built my own home gym, because I can't stand being around other people.
My typical day mostly consists of the following: Wake up, make coffee, work my shift, get off work, workout at home, take a shower, make dinner, watch YouTube, meditate, go to bed, and repeat... Sprinkle in the rare occasion where I drive to the grocery store to stock up on food and other necessities. Other than that, I never leave my place, with the exception of the occasional visit to the park where I hike the back-trails.
How do I feel about this? I feel just fine, as a matter of fact. I enjoy my solitude. Though, some family members have expressed concerns.
I've gone years without seeing most of my family and even months without communicating with my parents. I DON'T hate them. There's just no drive or desire to be around them - or really anyone.
Social interactions are exhausting to me. I go out of my way to avoid them at all costs. I don't particularly care about what people think or what's going on in their lives. I relate a lot to Ron Swanson when he says, "The less I know about other people, the happier I am."
At the same time, I'm not socially inept either. I can hold conversations quite easily and make people laugh without much effort. I attribute my sharp social skills to having worked a management position for several years before. (I used to work in customer service and sales live in person. Of course, I hated nearly every second of this and would never do this type of job again.).
I'm also not terrible with women. Every now and again, my primordial desire for female company rears it's head. I won't go into detail, but dating apps, like Tinder, have been sufficient at feeding this necessity. Needless to say, my relationships with women don't last long, which is fine for now. I DO desire a long-lasting relationship, but... don't, at the same time. It's weird.
Let's go ahead and start wrapping this up...
I'd like to conclude this post by providing some of my own theories about my own introversion:
One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that I suffer from chronic illnesses and pain that make my life difficult at times. I've been getting treatment from doctors for a while now, which has helped. However, the physical pain never really goes away. It makes my mental state poor. I get easily angry, discouraged, hopeless... Imagine your mental state if you were constantly poked with sharp objects. Pretty crappy, right? I think my chronic illnesses are what primarily drives my desire to be totally alone. I need space. LOTS OF SPACE. All the time.
At the same time, I've always been pretty reclusive as child. I had friends growing up, but my view of friendship has always been utilitarian - something that people do, because... that's what humans do, I suppose. I never maintained my friendly relationships, because as I got older, they lost their use. I moved on.
Obviously, my attitude and asocial behavior have to have a cause. There's something in my brain causing this, otherwise, why would I not fall on the typical, reasonable social spectrum that everyone else does in general?
I'm curious to see if anyone has some sort of insight on my particular case.
Before anyone suggests that I see an actual psychologist or therapist, please know that I am considering doing so. I'm just not in the right place to visit another doctor. Finances are tough these days.
Thank you all for reading. Cheers.

*TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF DEATH AND SEXUAL ASSAULT*
Hey all,
I'm not sure how to even begin this. Most of what I am saying is from what I was told by my brother, so I've done my best to get as much perspective on it as possible.
Almost three years ago my mother passed away during the height of one of the COVID variants. My dad was utterly devastated by this, and he almost lost his life due to complications from COVID a few days after my mom's passing. Needless to say, it was an incredibly difficult and tragic time for us. For my brother and I, we were saddened by Mom's passing, but also grateful to still have Dad alive.
Unfortunately, things went downhill from there and had been for a couple years. My dad and I didn't have a good relationship after my mom passed. For starters, my brother and I thought that it was a priority for him to take as much time as he can to grieve mom. This of course was a suggestion to him and we thought it was important to care for his mental health during this. Instead, he insisted that he didn't have much time left on this Earth and made it his mission to start talking to and dating other women.
Well, five weeks after my mom passed, he tell me he gets with a woman that he previously had attempted to have an affair with while married to my mom. I was pissed at him to the point where we went to long periods of little contact. When we did have contact, it was ultimately fighting. Well, things didn't work out for them and they moved on from each other.
March of last year my dad gets with another woman and then a week after, gets married to her. In hindsight, I should have fought back against it but at the time our relationship was eroded that I was complacent and didn't argue. Little did I know this woman is who I would consider to be one of the most dangerous, scummiest and most disgusting individuals I've had the displeasure of meeting. I believe she is wholly responsible for the situation my dad and brother are in.
Fast forward to March of this year, and my brother, dad and stepmother became homeless. My dad gets arrested for failure to appear in court because of a prior DUI offense that he got this year, which required him to appear in court. He goes to jail as a result. My brother is put in a vulnerable position with my stepmom at this point because the stepmom tried hitting on him and coercing my brother for sex. I brought this up to my dad while he was in jail and he was committed on divorcing her after he got out of jail.
This woman is absolutely vile. She has a history of animal neglect and abuse. She lived in a trailer where she had at least 40 cats at once, all of them picked up off the streets. Animal control had to intervene and they found at least a couple of dead cats in her closet. This was before she met my dad. And while dad was in jail, she was brought in to a women's shelter. She had my dad's car in her possession. Animal control was ultimately called and she was put in jail on animal cruelty charges because it turned out that she was keeping two stray cats in the vehicle. To make matters worse, she defecated in the car with the cats in the vehicle, windows rolled up and everything. This is in rural North Carolina, so while it is still chilly during that time of year, it's absolutely unacceptable to have pets unoccupied in the vehicles at all times.
She gets arrested and processed the same day that my dad has his scheduled court hearing and he was supposed to get out after the conclusion of the hearing. Needless to say, after the court hearing, my dad was brought new charges against him, this time being charges of animal cruelty. For what? Well, in addition to association (i.e: he is married to her), it was alleged he neglected his own dogs while they were in his possession. In my experience with my dad, I found this odd because while my dad didn't live in the best of conditions (it is a rural area with a large percentage of the population in poverty), my dad did everything to care for his two dogs; he thought the world of them. So to get charged with animal cruelty shocked my brother and I both.
During the time my dad was in jail, the step mom 'gave away' my dad's two dogs. When I say 'gave away', what I am understanding is that the dogs were kidnapped and found with injuries. Well, animal control found my dad's dogs. One of the dogs died from complications, the other dog has or is going to be put down. It was surprising the animal cruelty charges were brought against my dad because its been our (my brother and me) collective experience that he treated those dogs well. So brother and I talked it over, and my brother decides to bail my dad out because it didn't seem the charges were justified. My dad is out about the first or second week in April.
So during this time, my dad is trying to do everything in his power to seek divorce from my step mom. From our (my brother and I) perspective, there was enough grounds to divorce her. Aside from her cruelty to animals, she is also responsible for the homeless situation they're in. They were two months behind on rent before they were given the boot. For two of those months, she was handed $700 a month to pay for rent to the landlord. She would pretend to pay the landlord but instead pocket the money and use it to buy her own personal wants. She would do this whether it was grocery money or rent money or money for bills.
The amount of shit she did while dad was in jail is astounding. She would go around to several of the restaurants in town with her former room mate, they would order food and drink, and put the bill under a tab in Dad's name. The car that she defecated in? My dad called a towing company to grab it and store it for a few days until it can be decided what to do with it. She is banned from the restaurant establishment that my brother works in because she would harass and harangue the staff and customers for free food, and to also harass my brother.
A couple days after my dad was bailed, SHE makes bail. And she has been harassing and stalking them since. She went back to jail for missing court last week, but she was shortly bailed out after, and she had been hanging around them since. It was getting bad that when dad had an opportunity to be free, he got with his lawyer to file a protective order which is pending the yay or nay.
Everything about her from the start of when Dad married her screamed giant red flag. Last October, my dad, brother and step mom were in the hospital because they felt sick to their stomach. Doctors noticed symptoms of poisoning and drew blood from all three of them. Turns out they had traces of thallium in their systems. My knowledge of thallium is limited, but it's my understanding it was used in rodenticides and insecticides and was prohibited in the US in the 70s due to its toxicity. But with all of the recent stuff unfolding, it really makes me suspect she had something to do with that.
Additionally, she mentioned that her ex-husband had forced himself upon her (the ex-husband, for context, also was living with them along with the landlord and two other individuals) one night when dad wasn't around and committed sexual assault against her. A sexual assault forensic exam was performed on her, and they did not find any traces of the ex-husband's semen, nor did they find signs that he was forceful against her. Additionally, the ex-husband took a polygraph at least 3 times and the polygraph concluded that he was being truthful.
This isn't to say that something didn't happen to her - it is possible. However, the way she conveyed the sexual assault over the phone seemed more indicative of a ploy to defame her ex-husband. Having been a victim of sexual abuse and assault as a child, I hyperventilate and panic cry whenever I start having flashbacks of the incident. I can not stand to think about or talk about it with people, and I refuse to talk about it with anyone after I told an ex-girlfriend of mine in grade school and she decided to tell everyone about it. But my stepmom was so nonchalant and cheerful mentioning it, that alarm bells started to go off in my head. The mentioned evidence and my experience as a sexual assault survivor makes me believe in this circumstance, she was being deceitful and was spiting her ex-husband.
Oh, and during this time leading up to now, my dad and brother have had to replace a total of 10 tires because they would be slashed out. It can't be proven, but I suspect that my stepmom slashed them.
Everything about this woman just screams red flag. At this point, I don't want her near my dad and brother, and I definitely don't want her near my son. On top of this, my dad is also flip-flopping on divorcing this woman. We suspect her of doing all of this shit, and yet my dad is showing signs of wanting to do the exact opposite of divorcing her. This woman is absolutely unhinged to the point I'm concerned that she is going to ruin my dad and my brother with allegations and she would be walking away with it. A part of why I think he is flip-flopping is due to a recent discovery. Dad uncovered that this woman has $600,000+ in her bank account, and he's like 'Why is she homeless? She could be buying a property or two, have enough money for property taxes for the rest of her life, and be okay.' It makes me think he is flip-flopping because of this discovery, when I think he should do the right thing and get as far away from her as possible. He did try to do the right thing and give her card back, that said. But I don't think she has a comprehension of how much that is worth, because she has effectively been on the streets since being out of jail recently.
The worst thing about all of this unfolding, is knowing that I am not in a position to be in person to help them. I'm all the way on the other side of the US. My dad and my brother tell me not to intervene; that it isn't my circus to be involved in. The advice I try to give my dad and brother seems to fall on deaf ears. It feels like it's going to get to a point where I'm going to have to fly down to intervene and figure something out. Knowing I fly down there means I will need a police escort for when I do see my dad and stepmom, because I do not want my step mom around my son, and I already know that my wife is going to be on guard the moment my step mom decides to put hands on my son. I apologize if this is rambling and incoherent, I'm doing my best to tell the story as best as possible. This will likely need a couple edits to lay it down completely.
TL;DR: My stepmom is absolutely batshit insane and is responsible for the homeless situation my dad and brother are in. Everything about her is a giant red flag from the beginning of when dad married her. She has done absolutely vile and reprehensible things. My dad initially committed to divorcing her, but now is on the fence about it. I really think it's the fact he uncovered she has six figures in her checking account, but she doesn't believe it and she has no comprehension of money given her history of poor spending habits.

Basically the title but the added context: We actually have a recent history where i finally told him not everything is about him. Examples? Im sad my dad passed away? Well, hes actually more sad that his dad "views him as a disappointment" (his words). So instead of me having my space to grieve and talk about my dad i ditch my grief to comfort him and reassure him hes not a disappointment. I express my mental health isnt the greatest right now? Well, hes under a lot of stress as a new dad (hes been a step dad to my 7 year old since she was 6m old) and his mental health is actually worse (i have ppd and ppa that resulted in sleep deprivation and night terrors whenever i did fall asleep.) So on and so forth. Everything is fine until i bring up anything to do with me needing support. Its almost like a competition in his eyes as to who has it worse. I just want support and understanding, where it feels like he wants to one up on hardship. Today, after a whole talk on how i wish he'd understand me more or just remember things about me (he even forgot what state i was born in when i mentioned it to HIS friend just last night while the three of us were having small talk) things settled down and about 5min later while im scrolling on tiktok i saw a image slide show about adhd and traits typically shown in women - i was diagnosed in high school ~15 years ago. Hes never been diagnosed and never has shown symptoms. I told him i felt seen by this page and as hes scrolling through the slides he goes "No, i dont do this or that" and i went "yeah but its about adhd... and i have adhd you dont." And he went "I might who knows i just dont want to know if im messed up" which kind of hurt like am i a messed up person? (he means that in a derogatory "crazy" sense) i let it go and then reiterate "well again i sent you that because i felt seen and i hoped youd understand more about me" and then thats where he said "Everything is not just about you"
And this is where i might be wrong, but i told him i couldnt be around him rn. I didnt want to have another fight and im so tired im just going to our room to have a cry. He says i shouldnt have told him i was going to cry because that makes it manipulative. Im just tired of fighting to be seen in our relationship. I can tell his entire life story start to current and he cant even remember the state i was born in.

Hi all,
Can't remember the last time I posted here. I have had a lot of therapists for different things over the years, but there's always been a lot of shame about my MRA and incel adjacent past. It's still there a little bit despite having been in a long distance relationship for over 2 years now.
I am not sure exactly what feelings trigger it (well, quite often it's Facebook posts and acquaintances) but sometimes I will get a sporadic urge to Google stuff like "are women smarter than men", "do men have too much confidence", "am I treating my women like a therapist", "will women feel better and safer if I think of myself as a weak loser" etc. The algorithm has also fed me a lot of feminist and women's adjacent support groups, stuff from TwitteX, generally viral content. Lastly, my best friend has recently come out as a non-binary person and I came out as bicurious to my dad, which was has been quite a big change and meant that we have been talking a lot about gender, sexism, feminism and stuff. It's been good for our friendship, actually--but also has been very strange, since they lived abroad until 2019, and they only really started to think at length about politics a little before then. So I'd been down playing my engagement in MRA spaces for years, and the few times that my 'redpill rage' had come out had been, let's just say awkward and unpleasant for everyone.
I have always felt a weird mix of a feeling of pain or discomfort reading "ugh men" vents (such that it sets off my anxiety) and an inability to walk away from it unphased. Historically I used to argue with the positions (i.e. I was a debate bro), and eventually as with many guys in my situation, I ended up in the MRA and antifeminist spaces including TRP.
The support I got from men's spaces was, in fairness, mixed, not straightforwardly terrible. There are people who are antifeminist and support feminine men (in fact they are mainly against feminism for, in their mind, not being fully supportive of men's liberation) and there are people (mainly conservatives and traditionalists) who basically hate feminine men or men breaking gender roles *even more* than they hate feminists or women breaking them. In fact, to my surprise misogyny and embrace of queer and GNC men does not always have a strict correlation; some of my friends from this period were gay misogynists who did a self-consciously homoerotic MGTOW praxis. Despite this I was never quite comfortable, especially around the tradcons, and I felt like my egalitarian tendencies were policed so as to fit the political image of a good non-feminist.
At some point a few years ago I turned against the MRM and especially redpill. In my mind this is a famous turn, I know that sounds like Main Character Syndrome and it kind of is, but it feels fairly integral to my personal growth. It was near the end of this period that I started getting close to my now-partner, too. Generally 2020-2022 were painful but strangely remembered as a mostly *good* period of my life, and especially for my social media friendship network. (Yes, the lockdown, I know, it was strange)
The last year or so has felt slightly more stagnant. I've felt a bit better in the last month, but from, like, September-March or something I felt pretty low and frustrated that I wasn't making progress while people were growing and moving on without me.
A lot of people who I was sufficiently close to to not cut off question whether this turn (basically becoming self-conscious about my history and the dormant misogyny) was entirely healthy, as it seemed like at first I was downplaying my grievances with feminism in order to fit in with progressives as part of political organising. Later on it seemed as if my efforts to fit in had resulted in me internalising guilt *for* being a man, which was harmful since fitting in in such spaces failed. (I made more friends outside of activist communities than in)
I couldn't understand how critiques could be made without internalising it? Like, in my mind, if men were causing most of society's problems in virtue of our socialisation, then it would be on me to be less outspoken, more self-doubting, more agreeable and so on. I found myself becoming more of a female/femme supremacist, in fact. This was crazy to people who had known me as MGTOW, etc.
I realised that this interpretation of the vents might be a problem when I had boundary issues with a friend (close and online). He confessed to having a crush on me and asked me out, and it took around 2 months. During this time, he was sending me gay porn or romantic yaoi against my will, saying 'Us' and basically shipping us with the characters. I was advised that I had actually been sexually harassed and was absolutely entitled to be so blunt with him. Instead I felt partially a sense of affinity and pity for his loneliness (as he is lonely), and in part a guilt because he's in the closet irl. It felt like I had a duty as an LGBT ally to give him a space to express himself. We are still friends but the boundary issues are still there and it does frustrate me. Neither of us handled low contact very well.
As to my 'debate bro' tendencies--I shifted away from gender stuff and started studying philosophy for myself. However, this comes with more self-doubt spirals, which I seem prone to. Firstly, I've just lost the same confidence to discuss stuff as I had with men's and gender issues, since I'm painfully aware I'm a noob/student and have soooo much to learn. There aren't a lot of women I encounter into the topic (at least as amateurs--I have met and befriended or sought counsel from some wonderful retired professors) and I am not sure why. I could understand it in academia due to the discrimination, but why not online? Regardless, It's as if more people were interested in giving their take on relationship scenarios and general life stuff than this.
Secondly, I have a strangely *gendered* imposter syndrome. When I am offline I'm more grounded but when I've been reading and talking to myself for a while I start engaging in what I suppose is magical thinking, that the reason they (women) don't engage is because they are ahead of me, they already know it all and now it's boring to them. There is this persistent idea that women in general think I'm an idiotic manchild and I have to figure out how to change that because I feel chronically behind in everything I do. I extrapolate this from how smart and successful a lot of my fb girl friends are.
Sometimes it feels like not everyone has liked the personality changes I've gone through. After around half a year of being somebody I'd be casually DMing about stuff on the reg, one of my friends (again a femme-presenting/socialised non-binary person, they/she) suddenly U-turned. They decided they didn't want to hear my vents anymore and that I needed therapy for OCD and relationship problems (as I had vented to this friend about frustrations with my girlfriend and metamour, this being a poly LDR.) They did not cut me off entirely but they did stop engaging with a lot of my posts then (often ruminating.) This was difficult for me since this friend, she was one of the reasons I got out of the incel headspace in the first place, and I admit I had a crush on her for a while. It particularly hurt that she said that if I persist then she will expect payment as if a therapist, since to my mind this was basically somebody taking away my Normal Guy card and putting me back in incel state. In fairness, they seem to have decided to leave Facebook. But I still have some feeling of abandonment which keeps coming up in therapy. I hadn't really perceived that there had been underlying tensions about sharing stuff, and had thought our conversations were quite balanced and covered a lot of things. Naturally this led me to obsess and ruminate over emotional labour, which were only made worse when I came to this friend for support after being physically assaulted on my way home (they set the boundary before I actually got to share the story.) Fortunately my partner doesn't (as far as I know) feel like I expect too much or at least feels that I reciprocate.
The friend *did* recommend and refer me to an online OCD support group, and I have tried to engage with the recommended support group. It has been useful to some extent, particularly to encourage me to reconsider compulsive reassurance seeking--but it didn't really fully help with my feelings of e.g. assertiveness. I have felt that talk therapy would benefit me even if I would still need to work on reducing my *public* venting
My therapist (who is not primarily an OCD specialist). Her advice so far has been
i) That given what I had shared about my childhood experiences at home and in school, my thought patterns sound more like trauma than misogyny (I feel guilt whenever I feel or express anger at my mom though)
ii) That being disabled and neurodivergent, I technically have my own intersection which should be taken into account when hearing vents about men, patriarchy, male privilege etc.
iii) That social media generally, owing to the negative comparison behaviour, and *particularly* compulsively reading safe spaces, owing to the above points, might not be doing well for my mental health (at least not right now)
iv) That if anything we need to focus on my being MORE selfish and focussed on my own feelings, because I often either rationalise or start justifying how others treat me based upon their own issues and life context, which derails the session by giving e.g. my mum's, friends' life story, placing our conversations in social context of systemic power structures and so on.
I am really not sure how to handle that information, especially the stuff about trauma--i.e. that I might *not* be a closet misogynist even if I feel like it when I have the 'not all men' defensive reaction. I feel like a troll even sharing this. How do I know that the stuff which is exhausting me isn't just basic caregiving stuff women have been expected to do forever? etc.
What I do know is that my rumination is (as the friend who's withdrawn). The most noticeable symptom is just that it fuels social media addiction, which of course means that I either don't get to do my own hobbies (or studies) or that I socialise less. Which is obviously a problem considering you have to be proactive when dating in poly, and I want to build my social skills anyway. The second is that it's made me hypervigilant to doing 'selfish' things. I have not stopped exercising entirely, but I have been unable to keep up with the gym/strength training as it's time consuming to get to the gym. My girlfriend is aware of my people pleasing tendencies, but I still feel like I'm being a bad partner when I'm unavailable for dates because I'm outside. But I also feel ashamed that I'm inconsistent with training; I am not out of shape by general health standards, but I am by instagram fitness culture. This sets off yet another rumination, since I've followed a lot of athletes and influencers, that the fact I don't look like them but instead waste my time on social media debate *is* because I'm stupid, and that my insecurity about this is its own kind of misogyny, etc.
Thanks to everyone who read all of that. Not sure how to tl;dr but the essence is I';m not sure what to make of my therapist's advice, really. It seems to contradict the zeitgeist, and discussing it anywhere except *in* therapy seems to enable sexist trolls and just generally be a shitty thing to do. But...I can't afford this forever, heh
​

I just really need some reassurance or something, and I don’t know who to talk to.
I started the mini pill bc a week ago today, and so far it’s been great. No negative symptoms that I’ve noticed. However, I’m terrified it’s not going to work. When I did my research before getting on it, I read that it is slightly less effective than combo bc because the “time window” is smaller for when you can take it. I’ve been taking it at the same time every night, religiously. But, I also read that it just doesn’t stop ovulation for some women. So does that mean it just.. won’t work?
The reason I’m spiraling about this right now is because there’s a woman I work with who’s always had a knack for just “knowing things.” Like she had a dream that her best friend’s dad was in the hospital a day before he actually went to the hospital. Stuff like that. And ever since one of our other coworkers had a baby a few months ago, she keeps telling me that I’m “next.” That she’s even dreamed about it.
So that, with my already existing anxiety about my bc failing me, I’ve just been a bit of a nervous wreck.
Also some relevant info; My bf and I are both in our late twenties and don’t want kids, at least right now. We also live in a state that doesn’t allow the choice. I’m on the mini pill because there is a family history of blood clots (my maternal grandfather), and the other options of IUD, depo shot, implant, etc just weren’t a good match for me either. Also, condoms kinda put a damper on things for us both physically as well.
I just want some piece of mind that as long as I keep taking my bc at the same time, it won’t fail me. But the whole “won’t stop ovulation for some women” things really has me in shambles.

I transitioned medically and socially 5 years ago. I put in a lot of effort to pass, and expected to get the outcome that most scientific publications I read predicted would happen. What I got instead was the complete opposite. My mental health significantly deteriorated : I developed clinical depression, PTSD symptoms, suicidal ideation and went through several suicide attempts. The first year was extremely bad for my mental health. The second year saw my mental health improve slightly due to HRT changes and Ffs surgery. But by the third year things got worse again, and year 4 I hit my absolute rock bottom. I was so mentally ill I could no longer keep up a job for longer than 2 months or so. I became agoraphobia and a shut in. My friends stopped wanting to hang out with me due to the constant panic attacks and PTSD flashbacks I would get. Sometimes I would just sit in a corner catatonically unable to participate in conversation.
Before my transition I never experience poor mental health anywhere this bad. I worked full-time, was fun to be around and never needed antidepressants or anything to function. Now I am just a wreck.
Transitioning has been a complete disaster for me mentally and emotionally. The weirdest thing is that my transition is quite successful on the surface. I'm not cis-passing, people know I am trans, but generally accept me and never misgender me except maybe one or 2 incidents a year. I have a longterm boyfriend who still loves me deeply, despite all my mental health issues. My boyfriend is cishet and NOT a chaser; he has only ever dated cis women in his life, if that tells you anything about how feminine I am.
And yet, none of my transition success seems to have mattered. My mental health is just terrible. I hate my new body and my new headspace. I feel ugly, worthless and a failure. I can't stop replaying all the horrible things my transphobic ex-family did to me. I can't actually love myself this way or accept the way I look I don't even CARE that my close friends and boyfriend like the way I look, I don't give a shit that they think I'm beautiful and don't want me to detransition. I'm the person who's supposed to enjoy being transition and I just DON'T. It's a horrible Kafkaesque nightmare. I feel disjointed, uncanny, weird, disgusting, some kind of mutant. I can't look at myself in the mirror without crying and wishing I could undo it all, have my old male body back, undo everything.
I really wanted to be a woman, or at least to feel like a woman, but transitioning has not granted me that. You dont actually ever feel relief from dysphoria. Instead it just makes your dysphoria feel more acute, more cutting, it makes it more impactful. It doesn't tlrelive any pain. It makes the pain worse. It makes you feel the pain every single minute of every day, rather than once or twice a month.
I regret it. I regret ever getting caught up in this. If there was one mistake I could undo, it would be my transition. It just wasn't worth the mental health problems it caused. Am I really the only person this ever happened to? Does everyone's mental health really improve when they transition?
I would also like that add that I have tried absolutely every type of mental health intervention to death. Nothing, absolutely nothing, worked:
-I tried every type of HRT regimen, and am currently on EEn injections monotherapy. It made no appreciable mental health difference.

• I have seen 3 different psychiatrists and 12 or so psychologists and therapists. Did a stint in a psychiatric ward for dialectic behavioral therapy.​ Everyone of them made a different overall diagnosis (I've been called clinically depressed, borderline, PTSD, C-PTSD, abusive childhood, victim of narcissist, autistic ADD spectrum... Basically all the modern popular diagnoses). Been put on SSRI's which only temporarily improved my mood a little. I've since gone back off them. Tried ketamine therapy and MDMA therapy too. Neither worked. Only one psychologist ever had the balls to say that I should just detransition, since it's clearly not working out.

Muling is defined (to me) as the pattern of behaviour of putting black males before you or acting in a way that garuntees male validation and acceptance. This behaviour is groomed into young black girls by making them do chores, cleaning, making food for your dad, brothers and any male in the home wheras males are not relegated to do anything. This extends to school which is doing black boys homework for them, them copying your homework, college doing the same things , in work taking on the labour of other men in the workforce, not standing up to your boss, not wanting to cause problems if male workers SA or SH their coworkers if he does it to you and you need to keep silent in case he blackmails you or gaslights everyone to not believe you if you do not speak up. An example of this in a ficticious work is Retsuko in Aggretsuko in S1.
Ever since the begining of time muling has been internalized ever since slavery and promoted in the BC by relegating chores, housework and child rearing as a womans job. It is later re enforced in school in group work where BM are present, they will not contribute to project and BG have to do the work yetthey all get the passing grade, this is them using the efforts of others to get ahead . Another instance of it is in school in student count BM will not contribute to group work there will be too busy trying to lord over the black ladies and not contribute or complete plans so to pick up the slack someone has to do ALL THE WORK, leading to burn out and stress.
Muling is a symptom of the BCs drive to exploit others and groom children to do all the work as BM plagarize, steal, dont credit, manipulate and exploit BW and BG to get ahead.
Not only his peers suffer but also his mammy mom as she beomes stressed out because her son constantly manipulates her to do things FOR HIM and is allergic to doing things himself, thus she is overworked and tired and takes it out on others. She tells her daughter it is the way it is due to feeling bitter about the system put in place by BM disguised as 'the nuclear family' or 'traditional gender roles' where BM are pedestalized and all women must mule, defend, save, cape for him and BG and BW must work themselves haggard and never say no to a BM and mule because it is "acceptable".
How are other ways to stop muling?
Avoid BM, most are illiterate, uneducated, not mentally well and are ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A COME UP NO MATTER THE AGE **( STOP LETTING HIM CHEAT ON TESTS
NO DOING HOMEWORK FOR HIM OR COPYING YOURS FOR CLASS NOR HELPING HIM STUDY FOR A TEST. HE DECIDE TO WASTE TIME? IF YOU FAIL TO PREPARE, PREPARE TO FAIL!
NO GOING FOR HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE OR DRIVERS LICENCE
NO COOKING FOR HIM, BOOKING APOINTMENTS, REMINDERS, WASHING HIS LAUNDRY
NO TAKING ON EXTRA WORK LOAD TO SEEM LIKABLE
STOP GOING ALONG WITH WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY OR DO
STOP MOULDING YOURSELF TO THE BC STANDARDS (EXPLAINED IN PREVIOUS POST ON WHAT THEY REQUIRE)
ACCEPT YOUR AUTHENTHIC SELF AND IGNORE THE WHITEWASHED COMMENTS
WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE, CUT OUT ALL DUATY FAMILY MEMBERS, THEY MADE A CHOICE TO BE DUSTY LET THEM SINK IN THEIR QUICK SAND OF DUST
STOP BEING A LISTENING EAR TO MAMMIES OR YOUR DUSTMITE, RAN THROUGH, VICTIM MINDED BF WHO THINKS HE GONNA BE HIGH VALUE BY 30. CUT THEM OFF THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE
STOP OVEREXTENDING YOURSELF AND BEING A SAVIOUR, MOST PEOPLE FEEL DISRESPECTED IF YOU HELP THEM ESPECIALLY A BM IN STRUGGLE LOVE
NO STRUGGLE LOVE
NO STAYING AFTER HE HORN (CHEATS ON) YOU. HE DOESNT LOVE YOU IF HE DOES THAT OR JUSTIFIES IT
NO GIVING, SENDING OR LOANING OF MONEY
YOU ARE ONE INDIVIDUAL AND MULING ONLY LEADS TO EARLY DEATH, AUTOIMMUNE, OBESITY/ UNDERWEIGHT, SAD ALL THE TIME AND MISERY
YOU MATTER BG/ BW, YOU CANNOT BUY SOMEONES LOVE ESPECIALLY FROM A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO THINK BEING A CODEPENDENT MAMMY IS AN ACHEIVEMENT
PUT YOURSELF FIRST , WRITE DOWN YOUR GOALS, SAY NO IF YOU DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH SOMETHING
PLEASE FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR MULING AND KNOW YOU MATTER, YOUR HOPES , YOUR DREAMS AND YOUR WANTS ARE IMPORTANT.🩷

wondering how you went about it. a few years back i never heard of autism. My son is 5 non verbal as of now and it wasn't until the age of 3 he was officially diagnosed. (here in california) I am almost 29 and share alot of the symptoms my son has. I am easily over stimulated and even wear earmuffs through out my day. I have high levels of anxiety I self diagnosed myself with gad. I have panic attacks quite frankly and freak out about health reasons since I could remember. (kid)
growing up I never really fit in or had friends and I knew I was diff but was somehow learn to "mask" alot of stuff. I read lots of women "mask" symptoms. I also am quite OCD and anything out of my routine will cause such distress. I can't look at flashing lights or get on roller coasters anything like this will feel weird to me. I watch the same movies or hear the same songs over and over again. Anything new gives me anxiety. When I get into a topic or subject, I become ---easily obsessed until I move onto something new. I eat the same foods bc it makes me comfortable and feel safe. I don't find myself "picky" I just rather eat the same thing.
My husband and I married young. I was "high school sweethearts with him" and as time went by we had multiple children and only one of them is on the spectrum. As I said alot of what my son has reminds me of me. He headbangs to self soothe and my mom said I used to bang my head to sleep as baby-toddler stage. I am always nervous or anxious and like I said never thought much of it
I sometimes wonder if I should seek someone to help me understand what it is I do have, but also at this age I wonder if it's too late. I survived just fine and learned to fit in regardless.

Hi everyone, so I recently was diagnosed with PCOS at my endocrinologist but I wanted to come and ask if all of my symptoms were still consistent with it? Or if it was more related to post birth control pill? So I had all of my labs tested in June and nothing was elevated except for Prolactin which I believe was from taking fenugreek capsules in the past. Then in March I went to get labs tested due to not losing weight despite being very consistent in the gym for over a year, and now my testosterone was elevated. However my periods have always been regular and my insulin was not elevated. Has anyone experienced anything similar? I was experiencing hirsutisim (but the women in my family are naturally more hairy) but also cystic acne before and during my cycle and my weight continues to remain around 180 no matter how much I work out and weight lift. Can it be post pill effects ? Or is it PCOS? I have not had an ultrasound to see if there are cysts. Any suggestions would be so helpful on what I could do please. I used to be around 150 and feel like I’m living in a foreign body.

I know the date of conception because it's the only date I had sex March 22 and March 23rd. Fast forward to April 8th positive test the 12th I had bloodwork my level was 1437 for Hcg. This past Friday I had an ultrasound the tech obviously couldn't say anything but said to call after lunch.. She calculated 12/15 as the due date and said the uterus matched 6 weeks but she couldn't find the heartbeat and the baby was very small. She did abdominal and vaginally. This was not a planned pregnancy so of course I'm in shock and simply said it's alright. An hour later the Dr called and said she measured a date of 12/21. She said not too worry it's still early and we will repeat the scan in a little over a week. I can never go by my last period I always ovulate 3 weeks later not the "normal" two. My symptoms have been sporadic all along. I'm leaning more toward this is a missed miscarriage. It's so crazy how days and weeks make a huge difference in pregnacy. All this came after meeting with the Dr and her telling me lots of older women deliver healthy babies. (I'm 39 and my boyfriend is 51). At this point just getting my story out and having people talk to me will ease my mind. I've also had two normal prednancies but my youngest is 10.

I know the date of conception because it's the only date I had sex March 22 and March 23rd. Fast forward to April 8th positive test the 12th I had bloodwork my level was 1437 for Hcg. This past Friday I had an ultrasound the tech obviously couldn't say anything but said to call after lunch.. She calculated 12/15 as the due date and said the uterus matched 6 weeks but she couldn't find the heartbeat and the baby was very small. She did abdominal and vaginally. This was not a planned pregnancy so of course I'm in shock and simply said it's alright. An hour later the Dr called and said she measured a date of 12/21. She said not too worry it's still early and we will repeat the scan in a little over a week. I can never go by my last period I always ovulate 3 weeks later not the "normal" two. My symptoms have been sporadic all along. I'm leaning more toward this is a missed miscarriage. It's so crazy how days and weeks make a huge difference in pregnacy. All this came after meeting with the Dr and her telling me lots of older women deliver healthy babies. (I'm 39 and my boyfriend is 51). At this point just getting my story out and having people talk to me will ease my mind. I've also had two normal prednancies but my youngest is 10.

I just turned 20 last week and was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in February. Almost all the women in my family have it. I don’t have a great history with doctors. My first doctor who I saw from birth until I was maybe 11 was an absolute nightmare. She refused to send my sister to a specialist until she was 98 pounds at 17 years old and misdiagnosed me because she never bothered to run any tests. My second doctor I liked at first. When I was 13 I started gaining a little more weight. I had always been chunky but due to my food options at home and the environment I had developed what I now know is a binge ED. He asked me to keep a food journal for two weeks but I didn’t because I knew he would be upset with me when he saw what I was eating even though I literally had no choice. He told me I wasn’t ready to lose weight and if I was I would have done it. Every appointment he brought up my weight and attributed everything to my weight. Even my mental health and learning disabilities were blamed on my weight. I told him for years about my symptoms and it was ignored. He ran one blood test in the several years I was seeing him and I was maybe 12/13. My senior year of HS I developed chronic urticaria which is a symptom. He still didn’t even add it to my record. When I thought I could have PCOS he just suggested birth control and hesitantly offered an internal ultrasound to see if I had any cysts. He seemed irritated when I turned down the birth control. He had been pushing birth control on me since I was barely 14 despite me being on pysch meds and already overweight. In February my symptoms got so bad I thought I was dying. I went to a walk in clinic and within 2 hours I was diagnosed. They also did an EKG for my peace of mind. When I went back to him to get my meds prescribed and follow up he tried to say I couldn’t have hypothyroidism and that I need to go outside for two minutes a day after my mom told him that I walk 2-4 miles every evening despite it being physically painful sometimes because of my urticaria. He told me “nothing really bad can happen if I dont medicate you and the symptoms aren’t really interfering with your life.”. My mom ended up getting him to give me a very small dose of levothyroxine but he continued to talk about my weight and bring up bariatric surgery for the second time. My mom and I decided to switch doctors and I am seeing a woman that I used to see when she was a PA. I see her for the first time soon and even though she has been wonderful to me before I am just having a hard time trusting doctors.

Hi,
I just had my first pap smear in January 2024, following my 21st birthday in December 2023. I am studying in the US but have done it in my home country, Puerto Rico. Some necessary context is that PR's healthcare system is in shambles, and most doctors are well beyond capacity. It takes a lot of work to get appointments, and they tend to be very time-efficient? to make time for the unmanageable number of patients.
Well, my gynecologist said she'd call if anything came up abnormal, and she didn't call. We had an unrelated follow-up yesterday (4 months later), and she let me know I have HPV, specifically:
31, 33, 35, 39, 45, 51, 52, 56, 58, 59, 66 and 68. (HIGH RISK)
My test also shows "Obscuring material, an atypical cell sequence, and the presence of endocervical cells and/or transformation components." I don't know what any of these means. The call lasted nine minutes and a half, and I feel pretty lost.
Results were "reported" on 1/18/4, but I first got word of this yesterday. Is that normal? I've read that HPV is typical and rarely a cause for concern; 80% of women get it, apparently! I have no symptoms at all besides feeling like shit all the time (which, I'm pretty sure, is uncorrelated). I did not initially feel particularly weird about it, but my results have (high risk) next to them, and you all would not believe the fear Google has struck into my soul. I also happen to be undergoing extensive unrelated testing for a suspected autoimmune disorder after a series of devastating symptoms. I am always sick; my immune system is a dumpster fire, always has been. Not sure if that's relevant.
My doctor told me I need a colposcopy and that we can schedule it for July, but not much else. Something about my cervix is swollen. Should I be worried? I'm specifically hoping to receive some advice about:

1. Is this an immediate cause for concern, and should I book a colposcopy through another doctor?
2. Urgency with HPV and normalcy in delayed response times?
3. What does High Risk mean, and how likely is it to imply something more serious?
4. Do I need to tell my mom about this? She lives in PR– I moved out on my own as 1rst in my family, and she has terrible anxiety. I tend to avoid telling her about minor health complications. Does this qualify as unnecessary?
5. Does the colposcopy hurt?

I would really appreciate any insight. I'm pretty scared—Ty for reading.

Hi! I have been doing so much reading here on Reddit about pregnancy and having PCOS. It's been so nice to hear everyone's experiences I thought I'd share mine. I've have irregular periods since my period started and now, 37, I was diagnosed with PCOS last year. My cycles can be anywhere from 24 days to 40 days. Very rarely I've skipped, the most being 3 months.
My boyfriend and I have been loosely trying for maybe a year now and just started my journey with the fertility organization called Kindbody helping us navigate our options. My ovarian reserve is above average, which is typical for someone with PCOS because we don't ovulate every month. I also had a saline bubble test along with a biopsy of my fallopian tubes and let me tell you, I wouldn't wish this procedure on my worst enemy. All of those results came back great, too, thankfully.
Cut to today, where I have been diving heavily into PCOS early preganacy threads. I have been brown spotting for over a week, which has NEVER happened to me before. In the past maybe 3-4 months, just before my period I had a day of brown spotting, but then my period would come without a hitch. So now it's been 7 days of brown and pink spotting with one wipe I noticed a tinge of blood. Like the tiniest amount then it went back to brown and pink spotting. The spotting stopped on Friday 4-26. I've taken 6 pregnancy tests in the past week or two and all have come back negative. I have so many other symptoms that feel different this time around -- extremely sore hipes and other joints, enlarged breasts, always hungry and this 7 day spotting adventure has taken me for a loop.
I read on here that women with PCOS may not have a positive test until 6 weeks or sometimes longer, which is wild. I am scheduling an appointment with my Kindbody doctor for this week and I will let you know what happens.
If any one has any similar stories or advice I'm all ears. I wanted to post my experience just in case it resonates with someone on here. All of the stories I read I was able to walk away with something so if I can help somebody, so be it. Thanks for listening!

Hi, long story short I (almost 17F) have been friends with Laura (17F) for the last 3 years. We met at HS and instantly connected. In the second grade I started avoiding school (the same thing happened in elementary) and it caused my then therapist to send me to a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with autism in July last year. At first I was very happy, because I finally knew what was wrong with me, since I always felt disconnected from the world and was misdiagnosed several times. Laura didn't really care about it and we left it at that. After several months I started struggling with this diagnosis because while I learnt more about it I also discovered that most of my life problems were caused by it, which made me feel like an outcast again. Around that time Laura told me that she was also diagnosed with autism. My first reaction was gladness, because it meant that my biggest struggle would disappear (being misunderstood) which I always felt was caused by only being around non autistic people. I don't know why I forgot that she previously often told me that she couldn't understand me and had no idea why I acted the way I did. So since she knew nothing about autism in women we decided to go through the list of some symptoms and things that autistics do. And here's the issue. She couldn't relate to anything except for 2 or 3 things, while I could relate to most of the things written. It kind of crushed me, since if we both had the same diagnosis it would surely mean that our experiences were somewhat similar, right? I know that it's not really the case, but the fact that she doesn't struggle with anything makes me feel... Resentful? I'm not sure, but whenever I see her I either get angry, cuz she doesn't have any issues because of that or frustrated, cuz I can't help but feel like her diagnosis is incorrect. All of this makes me feel like a huge asshole, but I really don't want to talk to her. She also struggles with depression and we won't see each other until I show up at her door, which she is demanding at this point I do. I really don't want to. Just thinking about it makes me both tired and irritated. Also tomorrow (today?) is my birthday and I'm going to spend it alone at home with a cake I basically forced my mom to make and the had to decorate it myself, hooray me, and it makes me feel even more pathetic.
(p.s. sorry for my English, it's not my first language)

Hi I’m not autistic and here for information.
I saw that autism ratio is either 4:1 or 3:1 men to women. I thought ok makes sense we have more autistic guys in our school than girls but then I read that no it’s because of masking. I got curious and looked up what’s masking and if understand correctly it’s hiding autistic symptoms. But guys gets diagnosed as early as 2-4 and girls go undiagnosed, and if the reason for girls being under diagnosed is masking , how they even learn masking so early? I find it kinda hard to believe a toddler could mask, so why not female toddlers get diagnosed like male toddlers do?
Then I saw the other possibility is that because girls show symptoms different than guys do. I found this explanation way more logical, because now I’m thinking about autistic friends in our school, I never would suspected the girls were autistic if they hadn’t told me so but the guys were very…socially awkward (I’m sorry I don’t know how else to describe it)
Is that why my autistic girl friends are able to hold eye contact and better at socializing? They also don’t repeatedly fidget or have obsessive interests like guys do. (I’m sorry I don’t mean offense to guys )
So then what are autism symptoms in girls? I would describe autistic girls in my school as stubborn and bossy but not in a manipulative way. They are actually the opposite , usually kind and caring but naive and the guys are naive too but more assentive and shy. Is that how it presents differently in guys and girls?

Over the last couple years as a new college student, I've been struggling with significant symptoms of adhd. I constantly forget what I've been told in school, forget to bring different school supplies to my different classes every day, I lose things every day, I've double booked my schedule and forgotten meetings or appointments, have a harder time falling asleep, get distracted constantly, my mind swirls with thoughts, i can't keep things clean, doomscroll nonstop, and can't hold a conversation. And I'm worried the procrastination is laziness, but it feels more like a serious inability to just get up and start on a task.
Everyone says I have ADHD, and while I really don't know, I want to at least understand a reason for why I can't do simple things. Homework that takes others an hour takes me sometimes 5-10 hours of attempted focusing with several distractions.
I feel like a fake because I don't remember having these struggles when I was younger. I mean, I have always struggled with memory and being overly hard on myself, but I didn't resonate with nearly any childhood adhd symptoms such as inability to sit still, follow rules, or any impulsiveness.
My doctor is very skeptical of adhd diagnosis, but even she has just put me on adderall. So while it seems like this is a valid thing, I'm not sure if I should consider myself adhd or not and feel like I'm faking my struggles even though that's literally not true. Anyway, I mostly just wanted to know what opinions on this are from actual adhd women! Is it normal to not have the symptoms in childhood?
Tl;dr: I have every adhd symptom now for the last couple years, but didn't show signs as a child

Sharing my jourey with ED/PE in the hope it might serve people on this sub. TL;DR l found real success through addressing the psychological side of PE: learning to control anxiety, learning how to mentally prepare for sex, learning to control my arousal level during sex.
Context:
My early sexual encounters were fine. I had no real problems in the berdroom with my first girlfriend. I was 18 years old and we dated for 7 months until I went off to university. (I did have the following issues: the 1st time where I was nervous and couldn’t stay hard. Then 1 time randomly where I came very quickly - I thought nothing of it and it didn’t happen again..).
I then went off to university where I had high speed internet, plenty of free time and a private bedroom… I could masturbate all day long. I was ivoluntarily celibate until the end of the academic year where I finally got lucky. Unfortunately I was nervous and I couldn’t get it up - and couldn’t again the next night with the same girl. So, not knowing what it meant, not understanding why it had suddenly started happening or how to correct it, I developed severe sexual performance anxiety which ruined my sex life (and overall confidence) for about 7 years.
The prospect of sex became terrifying. Thoughts would fly through my head about how embarrassed I’ll be when I can’t perform. How humiliating it will be. I carried those feelings with me every day. For a few years I’d get so nervous about the prospect of sex that I tended to avoid women all together. The performance anxiety meant that often I just couldn’t get hard, but if I could get it up then I’d usually lose control and climax extremely quicly. Sometimes I’d ejaculate before getting it in, or just after one or two strokes. This delightful, emasculating combination prevented me from enjoying sex for about 7 years.
I didn’t know how to control the anxiety and it impacted all areas of my life: I felt inadequate and ashamed, I was constantly distracted and struggled to focus and apply myself. I basically thought I was broken, and what made it worse - I didn’t know if I would ever be fixed. Was this just going to be my life now? Through university I tried a couple of different therapists, but they didn’t know how to help with this specific issue - and I didn’t find the right answers.
​
Solution that worked for me:
Happily, in my mid 20’s I learned how my destructive thought patterns were leading to the performance anxiety, and my negative thought patterns were creating the physical symptoms.
I consciously reconditioned my thinking and how I felt around sex, to almost ‘re-train’ my brain for the outcomes I wanted. I set positive intentions that I repeated daily. I practiced visualising having great sex (not imagining it going wrong.. but very well. Feeling calm, being physically in control, myself and my partner enjoying being naked and having fun together.)
I learned that arousal is a feeling and, like any feeling, it starts as a thought. Once I got my anxiety under ctonrol (daily intentions as well as positive mental preparation ahead of having sex, like an athlete would use visualisation before a sporting event) I was able to better and more calmly control my focus during sex: Rather than worrying if I'm about to cum, I could enjoy the experience and keep my attention away from super arousing thoughts like locking into the feelings and sensations in my penis.
I quite quickly went from a 1 second man with no control and feeling helpless to a 10minute+ man. More importantly, ejaculating was not uncontrolled. I can build it up and feel it and decide to cum when I'm ready. It was a life-changing shift, and the cloud I’d spent most of my adult life living under began to disappear. Today I have generally great results although they are sometimes variable and am still learning more about sex in general- sometimes I pop after 10 mins.
When I’m disciplined however and and make sure I mentally prepare properly then I can almost always last 20+mins - whether it’s a new partner (typically a ‘higher pressure’ situation, as I still feel like I need to ‘perform’) or a long-term relationship where I’m relaxed and comfortable and can begin to go deeper with the girl.
It’s a shame this is such a horrendously awkward topic to breech, because it means loads of us suffer in silence. And by suffer I really do mean that - it can be a very confusing and miserable place.
If you’re going through something similar don’t hesitate to let me know, I am happy to chat. I’m mindful everybody is different - happy to help where / if I can.

Hello.
My Story
I worked for an Auto Company. My plant closed in 2008. Despite us having a guarantee to have a product line until 2011. This was made when we ratified our most recent contract first. The company decided to close us down to keep a Right to work factory open in Texas, and a plant outside the country in Mexico. And then came begging for handouts from Congress.
I had to move to a new plant in 2010. You had people from all over at this plant. Some from a nearby city had "city" mafia shirts printed. New people didn't know the story. Our union negotiated for us to get money when we needed to move. These people had the goal to shut this place down to get more money to move. Yeah, I know.
After a year or two. I noticed a strange trend. You had all these young, attractive women on jobs they should not have. I noticed one running around with a repair stamp and bypass key she should not have had. Management was showing her how to hack into the computer with someone else's login to mark defects as repaired.
This is a huge violation of our quality policy. Not to mention our ISO obligations to sell product overseas.
I turned the proof of the stamp being used to mark defects on the Matrix/Manifest, to my Alternate Union Rep. But found out later it was his stamp. So it vanished. Much like his duty to represent the membership. Before this blew up. You have union people who could not get moved to jobs they posted. As the contract demands. Because someone's girlfriend appeared to be camped out on a easy job. When they finally did get moved. Many quit on the spot.
In the fall out of this scandal. It seemed the Assistant Plant Manager was shoved out the backdoor. My boss was moved out of management into Engineering. One boss was removed and sent back to work for the union. Story was he was sleeping with one of his Team Leaders Wife. A Business Manager was moved back in to management. And he was replaced with 3 people. One for each shift instead of one for whole department.
Later on, I think they were starting it up again. And there were other quality issues. My health started to go bad. I lost my Gallbladder. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto Syndrome, meaning my Thyroid was losing function. But after I lost my job due to health issues. The symptoms changed. I no longer seemed to need 4 or 5 meds I had been taking. I still have health issues. But I think it's from what I was must have been drugged with and the meds fighting it.
I am trying to stream to earn a living. It's probably just a fool's errand to keep me busy while my health seems to get worse. But trying to get the word out. In hopes, it doesn't happen again.
I could really use the help. To spread this word.